I am not sure how I am going to run this site so there may be lots of changes in these next few weeks. I suppose a good place to start is why I purchased this wonderful domain and what my goal is. Recently I have been going through some life changes and need a better way to settle in and process things on my mind. This website will hopefully provide a place where I can do so without being judged. I recently started journaling as a way to help myself and found it to be immensely helpful, so I am hoping to bring that over as well as give myself more of an art form. While this site was not directly intended for the purpose of showing other people my thoughts, I won’t mind some company if people stumble upon it. I’m sure that by next year–or even next month–I will be embarrassed and cringe at what I’ve wrote but hopefully it’s enough to show growth. For now posts tagged with the “stream of consciousness” tags will have minimal edits and should be as close to a direct look into my mind.
After 15 wonderful months of dating who I can only think of as my soulmate, we broke up. It wasn’t quite as abrupt as that sounds but it was abrupt enough to feel like getting into a car crash. I didn’t quite understand why it was happening. Of course they explained why they felt this was important, and that they still loved me and always would love me, but it still felt like a betrayal. After all we had been through, all we had said–both directly to each other but also about our relationship–how could they hurt me like this. I felt as if I lost everything, because I did. My relationship was all I had. I didn’t feel like I had much to me, save for the occasional attempt at a hobby. I had given my all, not just to them, but to the relationship.
picking up the pieces
Now all I have now is to learn to cope. I started with a handful of steps.
- Remove primary reminders of them (pictures, letters, and such)
- Make another list of daily tasks to complete (get out of bed, eat breakfast, get dressed, go to class, do homework, etc.)
- Create a playlist of songs that are not directly tied to them
- Process my thoughts and emotions (nightly journal and now this!)
While these are all some basic and sometimes easy steps, they only get me so far. Perhaps once I figure out what works for me, I’ll write something about it. In the meantime all I can do is get through the day, and hopefully don’t set myself up for failure in the process. I plan to use these writings as an outlet and also a motivation.
where to next?
I’m not really sure where I will be taking this. Maybe I’ll only write a few more updates before abandoning the site, maybe I’ll just turn it into a portfolio. I’ll just have to feel things out and go from there. We’ll see what tomorrow brings.
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